


Duty

by Fumm95



Series: Dragon Age Drabbles [13]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Circle Mages, Gen, Kinloch Hold, Mages and Templars, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:43:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4025578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fumm95/pseuds/Fumm95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen and Solona Amell share a moment of understanding while at Kinloch Circle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Duty

In the entirety of his year spent at Ferelden’s Circle, Cullen could count on one hand the number of times he had seen Apprentice Solona Amell look anything other than content. Whenever he passed her in the halls of the tower, she always seemed to be laughing with fellow mages, or watching the templars with curiosity. Smiling at him…

With her bright red hair, she was always instantly recognizable, in spite of her small figure, and he could feel his heart race as she approached, his mind jumping to possibilities. Would she notice him? Stop to talk to him? Give him that smile, the one that he noted she seemed to save just for him?

When she drew closer, however, he noticed the tight expression on her face, the way she seemed to slump as she continued forward. Other mages, her friends, chattered beside her, but she stayed quiet, distress never leaving her face, and waved them off after they entreated her a few times, leaving her alone to her misery.

His concern grew as she stopped and rubbed a hand against her eyes, possibly brushing away tears? She suddenly seemed so small, so different from the quiet, confident apprentice he always saw, the mage talented enough to bring First Enchanter Irving out of his retirement to take her as his protege. For one crazy, wild second, he felt the urge to step forward, to take her in his arms and comfort her, to protect her from whatever was causing her pain. But he couldn’t, no matter how much he wanted to. Maker, he couldn’t, not as a templar. Not for a mage.

Still, he could watch her, protect her from demons and abominations and - he had to admit - from other templars. He could talk to her, perhaps make her smile or laugh. At the thought, Cullen relaxed slightly without thinking, still carefully maintaining the templars’ stance but without the stiffness of before.

The slight creaking of armor as he shifted caught her attention and she looked up at him. Her eyes were red but she met his gaze steadily, as if trying to revert back to her usual, confident look, and he suddenly wondered how much of her usual appearance was a persona, an act put on for her peers, for instructors who always spoke of her natural affinity with the Fade and and were relentless in pushing her to her full potential. For templars who could see any sign of weakness as a threat to the Circle’s safety and act accordingly. Templars like him.

Her smile at him, a brittle facsimile of her usual expression, felt like a confirmation of his thoughts, like a shutter that appeared between them, as solid as the guarded door preventing mages from entering the templars’ quarters, a shutter that, perhaps, had always been there. It was all he expected, all he could expect, all he should want, as a templar. He shouldn’t want, he couldn’t want any more. And it hurt.

Yet… “Ser Cullen?” Solona murmured, and in spite of himself, his heart lifted. She had voluntarily sought his attention, had spoken to him, even after sending her friends away.

“Apprentice Amell,” he returned, unable to completely hide the familiarity in his tone, to address her with the impartial coldness that the older templars and Knight-Commander Greagoir employed. When she simply stood beside him in silence, he hesitated, then added, “Are, uh, are you feeling well?”

She turned surprised eyes to him and he froze, praying he hadn’t overstepped his boundaries. What was he thinking, asking her something so personal, something she wouldn’t even discuss with the mages who had been her friends for years?

Her soft sigh caught him off-guard and without thinking, he raised a hand to comfort her, but managed to catch himself at the last minute and turned the gesture into rubbing the back of his neck. “I… It’s silly,” she said after a moment, apparently unaware of his hesitation.

He remained silent, unsure of what to say, but something in his gaze seemed to encourage her nonetheless, and she sighed again, suddenly curling in on herself, looking smaller, younger, than she was. “Senior Enchanter Wynne teaches a class on Creation and I…” She hesitated again, looking down at her fidgeting hands. “I couldn’t heal anything,” she admitted at last. “ _Anything_. Anders has been healing things for years. He’s a natural and I can’t even heal simple cuts.” She drew a ragged breath, still avoiding his gaze.

Cullen paused, unsure if she was expecting a response. When the silence stretched out, he cleared his throat, noticing her flick her eyes at him briefly. “B-but everyone talks about how, ah, skilled you are with Primal magic. Even Greagoir says he hasn’t seen such talent in years. It’s all right i-if you’re not as good at Creation magic,” he stammered, before realizing how chastising he sounded. “I-I mean-”

Her silent headshake cut him off, but when she spoke again, her voice was almost inaudible. “It’s not even that I think I should be better. But healing  _helps_ people. The Chant says that ‘Magic exists to serve man and never to rule over him’ and I can’t even do that. I can only fight and hurt others.”

When he didn’t respond, she glanced at him, meeting his eyes for one short moment, just long enough for him to detect a flicker of fear in her eyes. One that he had seen directed at him from other mages, but not from her. Never from her. Until now.

“I’m sorry,” she added, even quieter. “I shouldn’t have bothered you, ser.”

The pain, the despair, in her tone cut at him, and he reached for her, carefully dropping a gauntleted hand on her shoulder in a rare moment of confidence. “No,” he said, voice soft yet firm. “Healing is not the only way to help others. It depends on what you do with your abilities. Power can be used to protect people, not just hurt them. You may be strong, Solona, but you are also kind. You will not harm others unless you truly find it necessary, and your judgment is good. Trust yourself, as I-” He swallowed, cutting himself off as his brain caught up to his mouth. She was staring at him, eyes sparkling overbright with unshed tears, and he suddenly realized how close they were standing, that his hand still rested on her shoulder. Maker, he had never been so glad how out of the way his assigned position was. “As I-I, what I mean-”

Solona’s laugh, shaky but true, was a welcome interruption, though he could not suppress a twinge of disappointment as the moment passed, as his courage waned and the words he had held back since he had first met her, all warmth and gentleness, remained as unsaid as when he had realized his feelings for her.

Somehow, during their intimate discussion, they had simply been people, just Cullen and Solona. As they would have been in another world, perhaps. One that was not Kinloch Hold, where they were not templar and mage. Maker, having even a taste of what could have been only made the distance worse as, with a simple laugh, she became Apprentice Amell once more and he reluctantly resumed the role of Ser Cullen.

And yet, there was a new light in her eyes as she grinned at him, bright and genuine, a tenderness as she carefully slipped out from his grasp, gently taking his hand in hers. “Thank you, Cullen,” she whispered, and he reflexively tightened his grasp briefly before allowing her to withdraw back to the mages’ quarters, and the separate life she lived.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a self-indulgent fic after I got back my bio grade a while back, but it ended up going in a very different direction.
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr.


End file.
